Competing for Craig
by SPShipper
Summary: Most of the South Park's youth are attending a party at Token's house, where Kenny and Tweek end up making a bet to see who can win Craig's affections first. Who will win the love of the stoic noirette, and who will be left wanting? (Warning: suggestive content and underage drinking. Art not mine, artist unknown. Watermark in image.)


A blonde boy walked up the driveway to his friend's opulent mansion, from which electronic music could be heard blaring, and entered through the front door. Moments later, a black-haired teen followed him in, then a boy with sandy blonde hair.

Tweek twitched a little, his ears filled with the loud Halloween-themed dance music. Bright orange and purple lights illuminated Token's house and its many frightening decorations. The hem of his dress-like witch robe dragged on the ground slightly, sweeping up small candy wrappers and bits of confetti. He reached up to adjust his pointy hat and make sure it stayed on his head.

"Hey, Tweek, nice to see ya," a nasal voice sounded from behind him.

"Gah!" he jumped, sighing with relief once he realized who it was. "O-oh, nice to see you too, Craig."

Tweek looked toward his slightly taller friend; though it was difficult to see due to the dim light, the noirette didn't seem to be wearing much other than his usual outfit: that is, his jeans, blue hat, and equally blue coat, which was unzipped to reveal his NASA shirt.

"Mind if I stick by you tonight?" Craig requested. "It's nice to have somebody who I can-"

"Oh, loyal subjects!" a playful, exaggeratedly high voice called. "Your princess has arrived!"

Tweek noticed the voice put extra emphasis on the last syllable of "princess": "prin _cess_ " instead of " _prin_ cess".

The two turned to see their peer, Kenny, wearing a frilly pink and white dress, blonde wig, and oddly genuine-looking tiara that caught the light and glimmered.

"Come now, darlings, clear the way," Kenny said, waving his white-gloved hands to the sides to indicate people should move out of his way as he approached Craig and Tweek.

"Oh! A wicked witch encroaches upon my kingdom!" he cried, then laughed jokingly and smiled at Tweek in a friendly manner. Returning to his normal voice, he added, "I'm just jokin', man. Loving the outfit, by the way. Wish I could see some other people in a dress like that," and winked at Craig.

Tweek groaned quietly and rebutted, "It is not a dress, it is a robe. Witches can be boys or girls, Kenny."

Craig either didn't notice the wink or didn't care, and instead nodded at the dress-wearing teen.

"Whatever. Guys in girls' clothes are cute anyway. 'Specially me," grinned Kenny, giving a small twirl that caused his skirt to float up and swirl slightly.

"Ya put a lot of effort into the costume, McCormick. Which is more than I would ever do," stated Craig, in order to praise Kenny, albeit in a roundabout way.

Kenny nodded and, examining Craig, asked, "Yeah...what are you supposed to be, anyway?"

"I'm a carrier of a zombie virus. See?" he answered, pointing to a small red mark on his cheek. "That's the rash- it's the first sign of infection."

"You just drew that on with Magic Marker," Tweek chimed in.

"Still counts as a costume."

"Ahem," Kenny cleared his throat before returning to his princess voice. "Oh, dear, you're deathly ill! We must get you to a healer at once!"

He took Craig's hand in his own and attempted to pull him away. Tweek tugged at one of Kenny's puffy sleeves and glared slightly.

"Princess Kenny, I request a royal audience."

"Oh! Why, of course! I always make time for my subjects. Excuse us, Craig."

The two stepped aside.

Tweek leaned forward and, in a hushed whisper, hissed, "What the hell are you doing?"

"What, dude? I'm just talkin' to my buddy Craig," Kenny shrugged, back to his normal voice.

"Yeah, but Craig likes _me_."

"So you're the only one who gets to talk to him?"

Unable to find an answer, Tweek mumbled, "I-I mean...n-no, but…"

"Besides, I think Craig likes me better," Kenny said rather smugly.

Tweek glared again and lashed back, "N-no way! He even said he wants to be around me while we're here."

"Then let's put it to the test," the dress-wearing teen smirked. "Whoever gets Craig to say he likes them better- or kiss them- wins."

"G-gah...what do we get if we win?"

"Hmm," the princess mused, holding a finger near her chin. "If you win, I'll do all your work at your parents' coffee shop for a month. But if I win, you have to make me coffee whenever I want."

"Surprised you didn't ask me to suck you off or something…" the other boy mumbled.

Kenny smirked and playfully asked, "Would you _like_ me to ask for that?"

"N-no! A-anyway, I accept your challenge! Y-you're on!"

Tweek extended his hand, and Kenny grasped it and shook it, the soft fabric of his glove rubbing against Tweek's skin.

"Luckily for you, I happen to know Craig shares my belief on boys in girls' clothes," Kenny teased.

" _It is a robe!_ " Tweek cried.

But Kenny was already walking away, calling to Craig, "Come along now! We simply _must_ get you to a healer."

Tweek quickly strode towards Craig and grabbed his arm.

"There's no need, princess. My magic can heal him."

"Uh, right. I'll stick with the witch for now, princess," Craig smiled.

Kenny nodded regally, said "Of course," and stepped away from them and towards Butters, who wore white cat ears attached to his hair, as well as fluffy white paw-like gloves and a tail attached to his belt, and had whiskers and a small black nose painted onto his face.

Craig smiled at Tweek gratefully.

"Thanks, man. Like I was sayin', it's nice to have someone I can rely on to support me."

"Oh, it's no problem…" Tweek blushed.

"So what was that about curing me with your magic?"

"This is my chance…" Tweek thought, then leaned forward and fluttered his eyelashes slightly.

"Oh, of course. I've just finished it: an extra-special hex, just for you."

Craig grinned and laughed slightly in response.

"I'm gonna go get us some drinks. Wait here," he stated, beginning to walk away.

"Damn you, Tharja…" Tweek muttered to himself.

As Craig walked to Token's kitchen, where Kyle handed out drinks, Kenny glanced over at the noirette, gasped, and quickly approached him, with his arm still wrapped around Butters.

"Howdy, Craig!" the latter called, his face flushed red.

"Hey, Butters," came a polite response, followed by, "Is that lipstick on your face?"

Butters only giggled.

"Hello, dearest Craig! I do hope that witch managed to cure your awful disease."

"Oh, uh, yep," Craig nodded, sliding a finger into his mouth and using it to wipe off the marker on his cheek.

"Lovely! Let's share a drink to celebrate."

Butters stepped back, still blushing heavily. Kyle smiled at the two and handed them both red solo cups.

"You look lovely, princess," he praised. "Oh, Craig, here's some coffee for Tweek," the ginger added, handing him a white Starbucks cup.

Craig took the warm container into his hand, and Kenny raised his plastic cup.

"To health!" he said in a refined tone.

"To health," echoed Craig.

The two lightly touched their cups together and drank, Kenny raising his pinky finger as he did so. Neither of them reacted much as the alcohol went down their throats, presumably used to it by now.

"Now, what shall we do next, dearest?" Kenny said flirtily as he stepped a little closer to Craig and brushed a lock of his wig out of his face.

Craig stepped back in response and said, "I should get back to Tweek. He's probably worried I got mugged or something," gesturing behind him with his thumb.

"Oh, come now! Surely you can spare a few moments for your princess…he can handle himself."

"Yeah...still, though, I should get back there."

As Craig walked away, Kenny silently cursed under his breath, then muttered, "This is gonna be harder than I thought. My usual charms won't work...I need stronger tactics."

Grabbing Butters' arm and pulling him close, and causing the other blonde to make a small surprised cry in response, the princess stormed out of the room.

"A potion for the witch!" Craig cried as he smiled and handed Tweek the cup of coffee.

"Thank you, Craig! S-sorry about just now…"

"Pff. For what, dumbass?"

"N-nothing...um, why's your drink gone?"

The noirette glanced down at his cup, which he had forgotten to get refilled, and said, "Oh, that? Kenny showed up and we drank to celebrate you 'curing' me."

A brief flash of anger entered Tweek's mind along with the words: _Damn! I can't let him be alone with Kenny…but I gotta play dumb._

"Oh?" he asked innocently. "Did he say anything else?"

"Yeah, he wanted me to stay with him for a second, but I thought you might be worried about me, so I turned him down."

The blonde's face turned a little redder at that.

He held his cup in both hands as he took a sip of the pale brown coffee and continued, "Aww...thank you, Craig. Y-you know, he actually told me that you liked it when guys wear girls' clothes. I-is that true?"

"Maybe. Why do ya ask?" Craig grinned.

"N-n-no reason…"

Triumphantly, the blue-clad teen cried, "So maybe it _is_ a dress after all!"

"Gah! N-n-no!"

Blushing furiously, Tweek buried his face in his hands, eliciting a small chuckle from Craig.

However, he soon gradually lifted his head and mumbled, "I-I-I mean…u-unless you _want_ it to be a dress…"

Craig chuckled once again and said, "You say the weirdest stuff sometimes, Tweek. But that's why I like ya."

"H-how much do you like me? More than Kenny?" Tweek asked hopefully, stepping close to Craig once again.

"I dunno...why do you ask?"

"Uh, no reason!" Tweek said.

Craig tilted his head, but then shook it and changed the subject with, "Anyway, what do you wanna do next?"

"Oh, anything is fine as long as it's with you," Tweek giggled, winding a strand of his golden hair around his finger.

"Then why don't we dance?"

"B-but you don't dance…"

"Yeah, but who gives a shit? I'm with my friend having fun, and that's what matters," smiled Craig.

"Ngh, gahh...You're making me blush…"

The noirette grabbed Tweek's arm and pulled him onto the dance floor, setting their cups down on some nearby coasters.

Tweek began twitching slightly; normally Craig's presence would calm him down, but the prospect of what he was about to do made him anxious. His thoughts became more chaotic: he had an opportunity to win this bet and get Craig to like him even more- and maybe to-

 _Gah! C-could I really get him to like me_ that _way? W-w-we're already so close...and if I did that, I wouldn't have to worry about Kenny taking him before I could…agh, don't get your hopes up, Tweek. Just win the bet for now and worry about that later. Don't blow it._

"You okay, Tweek?"

"GAH! Y-yeah, everything's fine!"

"You were just kinda staring off into space," the noirette said, concerned.

Tweek shook his head and said, "I-I-I'm fine, really. L-let's dance."

The electronic song ended only a few seconds after he said that, and was replaced with a slow piano song.

Jimmy's voice rang from the other side of the floor.

"Looks like we've got a sl-slow song, folks. Sorry to those of you who wanted to r-r-r-rave, but I think the c-c-couples deserve some qu-quality time. Which probably means K-K-Kenny will be switching partners every 5 seconds…"

A few people in the crowd laughed at that, including Tweek.

"I'm just k-k-kidding, Kenny, w-we all love you. S-some more than others-" he loudly coughed and muttered "Butters" into the microphone he was holding, which was followed by more laughs.

Craig chuckled a little and said, "Looks like we're slow dancing," looking down at Tweek.

"R-right…Wh-which is good, because I can teach you how!"

 _This is perfect. I'll teach him how to dance, and then I can…_

"H-here, I'll lead first. See, I put my hand on your hip, like this."

As the blonde placed his left hand on Craig's right hip, he gently rubbed his thumb against his muscular torso.

 _Gah!_

Tweek was shocked he had done that, and that he had managed to get away with it. Maybe Craig didn't mind him getting bold...

"And then you put yours on mine, and we, um, hold hands."

"You coming onto me?" the noirette teased.

 _If you only knew._

Craig gently placed his right hand onto Tweek's hip. The latter began blushing even harder.

 _Agh, he's so gentle...that's not what I expected._

Tweek grasped Craig's hand in his own. Craig's skin was cool, comforting, while his own was warm and flushed from his conflicted emotions. The difference between the two was even more apparent as their skin pressed together. He moved his arm so that both their arms were pointing upwards and to the right.

"Now I step forward with my left foot and you step back with your right."

The two did so.

"Then the same with the other foot…"

Craig obeyed within seconds, nodding slightly. As Tweek stepped forward, closer to the object of his affections, his heart began beating even faster.

"Th-then I bring my left foot towards my right, and you do the opposite."

They quickly completed this step.

"Then we do the opposite of that- like we're making a box. So I step my right back and you do left forward, then I do left back and you do right forward…"

"Okay."

"Then I move my right to my left and you do the opposite."

"So that's it?" asked Craig as he did so.

"Yep! And then we just repeat those three steps in time, like this: One, two, three, _one_ , two, three…"

The two performed the dance once again at the same pace as Tweek's counting. The blonde smiled proudly.

"Th-th-that's great, Craig! N-now you try leading."

"If you say so," he shrugged.

Craig began stepping towards Tweek, leading the two's dance and causing the latter to blush even more strongly. After some time of this, Craig grinned devilishly and reached out, spinning his hand around to spin Tweek in the same way.

"Agh! C-Craig, what are you, gah, doing?"

The noirette pulled Tweek back towards him and put his hand back on his hip.

"Thought I'd get a little fancy."

"Oh, darlings~!"

 _Goddamnit!_ , Tweek thought.

His skirt fluttering above the ground and his hands on Butters' waist, Kenny danced over to them.

"I do hope you two are doing well. Oh, Craig, might I request a moment of your time? In private?"

"Well, I-" Craig started to answer, but he was interrupted by Tweek glaring at the dress-clad teen, stepping closer to the noirette, and interjecting, "No, he's busy right now, princess. My apologies."

Craig shook his head and said, "No, I should go talk to the princess. I've blown her off too many times tonight."

Kenny smirked a little.

 _I've got him now_ , he thought.

Seeing Tweek look down dejectedly, Craig put a hand on his shoulder and smiled at him reassuringly.

"Don't worry about me. I'll be back in a couple minutes. I mean, I can't say no; it might be something important."

"That's what I'm afraid of…" mumbled Tweek.

"Divine. Butters, dance with Tweek while we're away," the princess ordered.

Suddenly, through a complex spinning dance, Kenny grabbed Craig and twirled him away from Tweek, and placed Butters and Tweek together. He kept a tight grip on his arm as he walked them off of the dance floor and across the room, past a clearly drunk and flushed Clyde who was trying (and failing) to smooth-talk a giggling Bebe.

 _Okay...just get him into a bedroom, and then…_

Kenny's thoughts trailed off, as the sensation of Craig's arm against his caused his face to turn red.

 _What's going on…?_

"So where are we goin'?" Craig asked.

He thought it was strange that they hadn't stopped, as they were walking through the hallway by now.

Kenny stopped, said, "Just in here, darling," and pulled Craig through a door to the left.

Tweek and Butters, both heavily blushing, stared at one another, the latter leading their dance.

"Butters, this is nice and all, but I need to go-"

"No!" Butters cried, tightening his hold to keep Tweek from wandering off. "Kenny said I can't let ya interrupt him and Craig."

Tweek gasped, shocked, and Butters covered his mouth with a hand, mumbling "Oops…"

Twitching and growling, Tweek grabbed Butters' arm and interrogated him with a, "He what?! What's he giving you in return?! I'll double it!"

"K-kisses…" the catboy mumbled into his hand.

 _Ugh, of course it_ had _to be that…_

"Gah, fine."

Gently placing his hand on Butters' cheek, Tweek pressed his lips to the other boys', causing both of their faces to grow redder. He continued the kiss for some time, but as he tried to pull away, Butters pulled him back with surprising strength, forcing them to maintain contact. Out of breath and embarrassed out of his mind, Tweek finally managed to wrench his lips away from Butters', and he deeply inhaled, the feeling of air entering his lungs reinvigorating him and taking his mind off what had just happened- and the burning blush on his face.

"I gotta go stop them," he said, his voice determined and oddly stoic.

"No, wait!" Butters objected, desperately clinging to Tweek and trying to pull him back as he stormed off the floor and towards the hallway where Craig and Kenny had gone.

Meanwhile, the latter shut the door behind them and pulled Craig closer to him, near the lavish blue-sheeted bed.

"Now, Craig, dearest, I have a request of you."

"Yeah? What is it?"

The noirette leaned back, stretching his arms above his head.

"I wish you to kneel before your princess."

Doubtfully, Craig responded "Uh...okay…"

He awkwardly lowered himself onto his knees. Kenny placed his hand on Craig's right shoulder and gently applied force, pushing him the smallest bit further down.

Craig glanced up at Kenny's smirking face. Blood rushed to his face, and as he lowered his eyes to glance forward, he realized that Kenny had blood flowing to somewhere, too.

"Uh, Kenny…?"

"Yes, loyal subject?"

"Y-you're kinda…"

"Beautiful? Yes, I know."

Outwardly, Kenny smiled confidently, but his inner thoughts were a different matter.

 _Goddamnit, that was stupid. Why did I do that?_

"Anyhow, you can stand up now. In fact, come sit next to me!"

Kenny took Craig's hand in his, helped him up, then spun him around and pushed him onto the bed as he spoke the last sentence, and fell back to sit next to him.

Looking at the noirette and speaking earnestly, Kenny continued, "Craig, I have something else to tell you as well."

 _What the hell am I doing?! Why can't I focus?!_

"Jeez, you love to play around," said the still-dizzy Craig as he rubbed his head. "No prob, what do you need to say?" he asked, returning the earnest gaze.

 _Stop it, Kenny. You can charm anybody by_ looking _at them the right way, so just do it! Stop screwing around!_

"I-I wish to tell you that…"

"Yeah?"

Craig leaned a little closer.

"You don't gotta be scared of talkin' to me, Kenny. I won't tell anyone, and I don't give enough of a shit to judge you for it," he laughed, shrugging slightly.

 _Stop it, stop it, stop it!_

"I fear I have fallen utterly in love with you."

 _Damn it!_

Craig didn't answer, instead opening his mouth into an O shape.

Unable to stop himself now, more words tumbled from Kenny's mouth, his voice beginning to break: "I know that behind your stony exterior lies bravery, kindness, and honesty...you have always been my knight in shining armor, ever since childhood. You have always been there for me…" Laughing slightly, Kenny continued, "You have trapped your princess in a cage, one of love and desire, from which she cannot escape. I-it is...rather impudent of you to…"

The princess hunched over, tears falling from his face and sobs emitting from his lips.

 _Now you've gone and ruined it, Kenny…_

As Craig listened to Kenny's speech, he noticed that, though he was overacting a little, there was sincerity in his voice, and he saw something in Kenny's blue eyes that shocked him and shook him to his core: vulnerability. Kenny was sad and afraid, and Craig's normally aloof heart was moved by it.

"Kenny…" he whispered sympathetically, before wrapping his arms around the blonde and patting his back in a comforting manner.

Kenny continued to sob into Craig's shoulder for a moment, but soon looked back up at him and smiled gratefully, wiping his tears with the puffy sleeve of his dress.

"Thank you, Sir Knight...and my apologies."

"It's okay, Kenny. I mean, someone has to express their feelings around here, and it's not gonna be me."

"Craig...I have one more request of you, if I may."

"What is it?"

 _I can't waste any more time. I can't let Tweek take him away from me...I need to end this._

Taking a deep breath, Kenny answered decisively, "Kiss me. Kiss your princess."

Tweek sped up his walk as he traveled down the hall, opening up every door to search for the two, with Butters still trying to hold him back.

 _I can't let him get with Craig...I couldn't go on without him. We're a team. We need each other. And I'm not gonna let_ Kenny McCormick _get in the way of that!_

Tweek flung another door open, and saw Craig and Kenny leaning towards each other.

"Ah- _ha_! I knew you'd try and pull something like this! And using Butters to distract me?! That's cheating!" Tweek cried.

Kenny growled under his breath and turned to the other blonde.

Butters poked his head in, apologetically saying, "I tried to stop him, Kenny."

Standing up and furiously striding toward Tweek, Kenny retorted, "You always get in the way!", not bothering to use his princess voice anymore. "Me and Craig have been friends since we were kids, and now some whiny little spaz wants to come in here and latch onto him!"

"Maybe I am a spaz, but at least I don't go around whoring myself out to anyone with a dick!"

"Not that you'd know what it's like to have a dick anyway- yours is too small!"

Leaning closer, the twitchy teen screamed, "I'm gonna rip you apart!"

"Try it, spaz! Maybe I can knock that twitch out of ya!"

" _What the fuck are you two doing?!_ "

Tweek made a loud "Agh" noise, and Kenny turned back to Craig, who had stood up and was now glaring at the two with his fists tightly clenched. He took a slow, very deep breath and spoke quietly, in a reserved way, barely holding back his anger.

"What did you mean when you said 'cheating', Tweek? Tell me what's going on."

"W-w-we had a bet…" responded Tweek, nervousness creeping into his stuttering and quiet voice.

"What _kind_ of bet?"

Kenny answered this time with, "We said whoever could get you to say you liked them better or kiss you first would win."

"So was what you just said all a trick to get me to kiss you?"

"No! Of course not, Craig! I would never…"

Sympathy entered Tweek's heart and he stepped forward to shamefully say, "D-d-d-don't b-be angry at h-him. It's m-m-my f-fault. I-it started because I was j-j-jealous. It was s-stupid to think you'd like me anyway...like K-Kenny said, I'm just s-some spaz."

Tweek stepped back and gestured for Kenny to step forward.

"Y-you can have him, Kenny."

Kenny shook his head and said, "No. You're right too. I'm just a...massive man-whore. I mean, I just threatened to _fight_ you because I was so jealous, and I'd kick your ass. Craig deserves better than me. You kiss him."

Craig sighed and stepped over to the two of them.

"Both you dumbasses, stop it."

He wrapped an arm around both of them and pulled them into a tight hug.

"I like you _both,_ okay? You're both awesome in your own ways. Tweek's sweet and kind and so damn adorable, and Kenny cheers me up...and he's pretty easy on the eyes."

Kenny tried not to look flattered at that, but was unable to avoid blushing and giggling like a schoolgirl.

"And don't try and do that bullshit where you ask me to choose, because I can't," Craig continued.

"Well...maybe you don't have to choose," responded Kenny.

In response, Craig let go of both of them.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I mean, maybe you could, y'know...have your cake and eat it too. I sure as hell don't mind sharing."

"GAH! Are you insane?!" cried the blonde. "Th-that'd never w-w-work!"

Craig cut him off by raising his hand to him and saying, "That's not a bad idea. I mean, a cute blonde on each arm isn't a bad way to spend an evening."

"I'm down if you are, Tweek," acquiesced Kenny.

"Agh, gah, oh God...c-c-could you divide your time equally between the two of us?"

"'Course I could."

"W-w-well...if it's for you, then…"

Tweek nodded hesitantly and took Craig's hand, and Kenny followed suit.

Kenny grinned and teasingly added, "And who knows? Maybe you and me can learn to love each other too," then softly kissed Tweek's nose, resulting in an embarrassed "Ngh…" and more heavy blushing.

"Let's just...see how it works out tonight. Okay?" asked Craig.

The other two nodded in agreement, each tightly holding one of Craig's arms, and the three walked out of the room to rejoin the party, where Tweek and Kenny would shower Craig with affection all night long.


End file.
